Glory's Garden

All the world's a garden, you know, and we are mere flowers within it. Come, I'll show you!

Don't get any funny ideas!

©2016 Glory Lennon All Rights Reserved

My Peeps!

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Another murder at the compost pile


      
   
          Egad!
          Dr. Phineas Mossmite* nearly jumped out of his very comfortable seat at this unexpected utterance from his long-time friend, current flat-mate and all-round weird dude, West Milfords  foremost detective Winkle Picot*.
          Hush, man! Dr. Phineas Mossmite admonished as he made quite sure the newest copy of the American Medical Association newsletter completely covered  the Hooters and Toochies magazine he had been perusingand no, he was NOT reading it for the articles. This is quiet time. Do you seriously want Mrs. Bilgepump to come up here and give you what-forno doubt with a back-handed smack across the noggin with her ever present cast iron skillet, too!
He shuddered at the very thought.

My good fellow, Winkle Picot said not lowering his voice and utterly unconcerned of their voluminous landladys unreasonable demands and what she might do to them. This is too important for hushed tones!
          Blimeywhatever is the matter, Picot? Dr. Phineas Mossmite asked, reluctantly closing over his magazine on the luscious Ms. Slutface.
          Only the most horrible thing ever to have happened in this nick of the woods, Winkle Picot said, pointing his pipe at his horny little flat-mate.
          Theyve canceled the Buttsville I-like-big-butts Festival? Dr. Phineas Mossmite said, his sad face nearly falling into his ever-excited lap. I look forward to that every year.
Of course not, you foolish twit! The Buttsville I-like-Big-Butts festival is an institution. They would sooner close down OMallys Bar and Grill and replace it with a hoity-toity tea shop, Winkle Picot said, growing annoyed. There has been another murder and, no less, at the compost pile.
No! Dr. Phineas Mossmite shrieked, as only a horny man thinking about the cancellation of his beloved I-like-Big-Butts festival could.
Yes, Winkle Picot said, grimly nodding his head.
Butdidnt they catch the infamous pitch fork murderer? Didnt it turn out to be that ghastly woman from Uncle Macs Garden shed Iggy Immy Minnie?
I think you are searching for the name Aggy, better known as Aunt Agnes, old boy, Winkle Picot said. The murderer was Not Agnus, however, although, she does have the kind of face which could make a grown man swear off adult libations lest he become inebriated enough to take that beast home with him andwell, we should NOT discuss that possibility.
Dr. Phineas Mossmite visibly shuddered again. I say, Picot, who has been murdered and how do you know about it?
Not whowhat, Winkle Picot said. Although he does have a name. He goes by Mr. Groundhog.
By jove what does this mean? Dr. Phineas Mossmite said.
Groundhog is another name for a woodchuck, but dont bother asking how much wood this particular woodchuck chucks, because hes gone up and chucked himself, Winkle Picot said.
Utterly confusedwhich is his natural state of being-- Dr. Phineas Mossmite gulped like a wet bullfrog after snatching a fly out of the air. I mean to say, good fellow, Mr. Woodchuck…”
No, Mr. Groundhog, Winkle Picot said.
Yes, yes, whatever its name is! Dr. Phineas Mossmite said. I mean to say, how do you know, Picot? Did you venture into a garden of late?
No, Mossmite. I havent set foot outside this retchedly hideous flat for months now, as you well know! Its right here on my FakeBook newsfeed, Winkle Picot said.
Dr. Phineas Mossmite wore an expression reminiscent of one who just caught sight of a naked Lena Dunham eating chocolate cake on the toilet. You go on FakeBook? Bloody hell! Since when?
Since the cesspool known as Twitter fell further into the abyss, but never mind that, old boy. I have found Mr. Groundhogs murderer, Winkle Picot said.
          What! Already? My good fellow, how can it be? Youve just said so yourself that you have not set foot outside these walls in months, nay, years perhaps! One does not solve a murder while watching cat videos on FakeBook!
One does and one can when one knows where to look and I do, Winkle Picot said. Look there!
Dr. Phineas Mossmite leaned over to squint at the screen of the laptop which had so many finger print smudges it was a total blur. I see nothing discernable, he said.
Winkle Picot rolled his eyes. Then Ill read it to you, shall I?
No need. Just sum it up for me, theres a good fellowthis is taking forever, Dr. Phineas Mossmite said, taking a peek at Ms. Slutfaces gal pal, Horny Helen.
All right then, Winkle Picot said. What I have here is none other than a full confession to the murder of said Mr. Groundhog who was found unceremoniously buried in her compost pile.
Surely not! Dr. Phineas Mossmite said.
Indeed it is the caseand stop calling me Surely, Winkle Picot said. Now thenOne Ms. Glory Lennon of Greentown, PA--a fetching, innocent looking lass indeed, typical of your coldblooded, calculating murderessesafter the deed left a rather cryptic status update, as she is apt to dono doubt a diversionary tactic which most would fall for, but not I!
Me or I isnt it me not I in that instance? Dr. Phineas Mossmite said, scratching his head as he pondered the grammatical conundrum.
Winkle Picot gave him a glare reminiscent of Loretta Lynch confronted with proof of her corruption by none other than J. Edgar Comey. Keep up, will you, old boy, lest you find yourself the third corpse found in the compost pile, he said.
Right-o, a meek Dr. Phineas Mossmite said. But why a compost pile?
Pardon? Winkle Picot said, coming up short.
Well, it seems odd, dont you think? That old blokewhat was his name? The gardening fellow who found the first body in his compost pile? Dr. Phineas Mossmite said. Uncle Mac, perhaps?
Winkle Picot shrugged. You actually think I can recall some obscure characters name that far back into our storyline?
Yes, what was I thinking? Dr. Phineas Mossmite muttered.
But it is rather a good question. Why the compost pile? Winkle Picot said, tapping his chin pensively with his pipe.
So, Mr. Groundhog was found in this Ms. Lennons compost pile, you say, Picot? Dr. Phineas Mossmite said.
One of them, Winkle Picot said.
Dr. Phineas Mossmite started. One of them? Do you mean she killed two Groundhogs?
No, you stupid git! Winkle Picot said. She has killed only one groundhog so far, that is. Although, there was an incidence several years back of a smoked out groundhogthe original Mr. Groundhogpossibly a distant relation to this one, if I may venture to guess. That one may have died of smoke inhalation, but his body was never found.
The mass groundhog murdering fiend! Dr. Phineas Mossmite yelped.
Seems that way, doesnt it?  Winkle Picot said. Well, at least she didnt hide the other body in one of her compost piles.
She has two compost piles? Why would anybody need more than one compost pile? Dr. Phineas Mossmite said.
She has several actually, Winkle Picot said. One for fresh garden waste, one to leave to compost on its own and one for unsuspecting woodland creatures who venture into her diabolical path.
          Egad! Dr. Phineas Mossmite said. How many defenseless woodland creatures does she intend to murder and hide in them?
Precisely the question we need to ask Ms. Lennon, Winkle Picot said.
The name sounds familiar? Is she well known in these parts for something other than murder? Dr. Phineas Mossmite said.
Winkle Picot nodded. She is the only living person I know who has her own method of measurementthe Glory Scale.
Blimey! Dr. Phineas Mossmite said. I knew I heard of her somewhere!
Indeed, Winkle Picot said.
Sowhere do we go from here? Dr. Phineas Mossmite said. I mean to say, Picot,  you suspect she killed at least one Groundhog…”
She most assuredly did, Winkle Picot said. She confessed right here in her FakeBook status. She even asked forgiveness for the deed.
Well, doesnt that prove she is NOT the devious murderer we painted her as being? Dr. Phineas Mossmite asked.
You would think so, but she is just now planning on capturing another groundhog which she saw sneaking around the workshop, Winkle Picot said. She has the Hav-a-hart cage ready to bait to catch the wee beastie as we speak! She wants to relocate it across the river in the hope it will make a home far from her garden.
So, she wants to capture him alive? Dr. Phineas Mossmite asked.
Or her obviously there are more than one so odds are this next one is female, Winkle Picot said.
Dr. Phineas Mossmite blinked at him and asked, But she just wants to capture and release her or him, right? That means she will NOT try to kill this one, Winkle Picot asked.
And your point, old fellow? Winkle Picot asked.
She clearly does NOT want to hurt this one. Sowhats the big deal? Dr.
Phineas Mossmite said.
Blast it all, Mossmite! You just let out all the steam from my sails, Winkle Picot said, visibly deflated. You may as well get back to Ms. February before the weather warms and natures little thermometers go flat. Ill look for a good Kitty video, shall I?
Right-o! Dr. Phineas Mossmite said, opening up the magazine while wearing a lascivious smirk on his pudgy face.
They resettled into their usual routine and with a bit of luck we wont be bothered by their drivel ever again.
         
©2017 Glory Lennon All Rights Reserved 

* A special thank you to Mac Pike who graciously allowed me to borrrow his interpid and supremely amusing characters for this silly tale. You can find much more humourous stuff from Mac Pike at his blog: Uncle Mac's Garden Shed.

  …♪

6 comments:

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    2. Thanks, Mike. It was late last night when I finally finished and I was woefully tired after a long day in the garden so I forgot to give credit where it was due...namely Mac Pike who graciously allowed me to borrow his two infamous and normally hilarious characters.

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  2. Well done, Glory! Excellent. Characterization is definitely true to original form. Worth repeating, Excellent! I too, love it!

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    1. I love these characters! I had a dream they were sniffing around in my compost pile looking for trouble and there was the story in full form! LOL I wish Mac would keep writing about these goofy guys and since he stopped I had to do it for him!

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